George Eliot Virginia Woolf Margaret Fuller and Beyonce, obviously.
I can feel them inside my head...why do I refuse to listen to them?
Perhaps because they lived rather hectic lives of singularity and independence. I am terrified of those things. Although I know deeply that they are right. I just don't want to turn out like my mother. But who says that's such a horrible thing?
My sentences are far from developed.
I hope to figure my brain out relatively soon. As that time is shrinking.
I just revisited the document I was trying to write about STEM. And I vaguely remember visiting the document after a night of drinking heavily. Here's what I had to say:
“STEM IS FUCKING STupid. seriously. i’m drunk. PLUS l and t. FUCK YOU.
fuck stem. it’s stupid. all about money and nobody really cares about it. we talk about it like its some fucking great idea AND, SURPRISE it’s not. WOWWQWWOWOW aren’t you surprised we’re not in it for the greater good. we waste so much time as a species concerned about nonexistance. fuck this place. we’re all assholes.”
Luckily, I had the sense to not send that part to the guy i'm writing it for. I'm just an angry baby bitch about life sometimes. As Caitlin said "And on Fridays, you wear your sassy pants." It was a Tuesday, but I get it.
I'm on such a fucking creative impulse. I hope I never stop. I hope I don't let anyone suffocate me again. I just want to not deal with anything right now. Just myself. But, this is a whole other story I can't talk about anywhere publicly..or privately. SO. Off to write about STEM and its wicked games.
do you remember the canoe out on the lake in the dead of august? i think you might have forgotten. do you remember laying there on that lake for hours in the sunshine. in our bikinis and listening that crappy radio. and we'd laugh about the summer boys. they had our hearts for so much longer than we ever admitted. boy did they have our hearts.
and the dragonflies would land on our toes and fish would nibble at our ankles as we drifted along like a couple of bums. with no plans, but to get off that damn farm for a few hours. we'd hide in the cattails whenever we heard a car drive by for fear they;d discover the lack of effort we were putting into our outdoor adventures. we'd talk about the nights and look forward to the fair all day. we had such an amazing time. how could you let that all go?
the dragonflies were so sweet. and they have forever been my favorite insect. freedom? i don't know if that was my intention. but the charms have collected and they danced in the field after graduation. if only i had known i could hurt you so much.
i just never thought you were destructible and i treated you poorly. i knew i could always walk to your house when it got too difficult at home. when i had no one else to run to, i knew you'd take me in for awhile. we'd lay out on the back deck and beam at how bright our futures were becoming. we'd share our dreams of running away to the southern most state and never giving up on life. we were going to be together for the rest of our lives. and i just took all of that for granted. i thought you would always fight back. i thought you'd always take me back.
those dragonflies kissed our skinny asses, stretched out and tanned. and when you closed your eyes you'd never know they were there. weightless and kind. so beautiful and gentle. i will never forget those dragonflies.
and the nights! oh the glow of neon lights at night. bug zappers and ferris wheel sounds. busting our asses in the mud and you ripped your pants from the ground to your belt. you were so pretty when you got embarrassed. i miss those nights at the fair. we would spend the whole week there and never get tired of a single moment. and when you'd tag along to horse shows and support me from the sidelines. the snowcones, the dust, the ribs, and vanilla milkshakes. the long nights up talking til one of us fell asleep. and you always calmed me down when i woke up freaking out about life. i just wish i had you to laugh at me when i jump out of bed suddenly because of another bad dream.
i think i've recently started to lose it because i realize you really never want anything to do with me again. it breaks my heart to no end. i just wish you'd accept my apology and realize i was just in such a shitty place when everything went down. i know there's no excuse, and i know you were done saving my ass. i know you were so worried about me and i wish you hadn't been. it humiliated me. to see you look at me that way. and i got so angry. i just wish you understood how it all came down to the wrong words.
those dragonflies are still there. generations later. beautiful blues and greens and i know they still float above the water like feathers dropped from heaven. i know the tall grasses are there still. waiting to scare us awake when the breeze crashes the canoe into them. i miss you like crazy, like i miss those summers. like i miss the humid nights and dirt. those dragonflies. until i figure this out, until i learn how to deal with this, i'll just wear the necklace.
so, God, i really don't fucking appreciate the snow. i don't care that it's all melted. i also don't care that it's warmer now.
my ring fits as of yesterday..woo! it finally feels like mine.
thursday i saw my dad for the first time since october. we have such a weird relationship. i know he was worried about seeing me again. the last time we saw each other was not good. and i know he was embarrassed and angry. but i was angry as well and neither of us tried to make the other feel better. and somehow, it works out between us. not a healthy relationship in the slightest. i would never hope for that dynamic in any other relationship, but i'll take it if that's all i'm going to get in ours. he tried so hard on thursday and i have to give him credit for that.
friday night i went for colombian food and it was absolutely delicious. loved it! ashley and i laughed hysterically the whole time talking about retarded situations. rachel and her friends were going to florida the next day. lucky bitches.
last night, i went to see the sun the moon the stars play. jeremy was covering for bass. this band should be famous (although they could have a better drum concept/drummer). they were awesome and i loved the singer. he's super chill. i didn't realize the genre is called new metal... was it always that way? i would've called it something else, but regardless i love it all. i always have...just never would've called it new metal. but that makes sense.
they played the refused for like 30 seconds.
johnny jeff was there. he's back from california and i forgot how nice he is. michelle came out with me :] i spotted a girl crush at the bar. she was so fucking sexy. i would have done anything to get her, but mike would have wanted me to wait for him soooo i didn't pursue it. but god DAMN. she was dark skinned (not sure if she was black), perfect weight with the nicest boobs i've seen in awhile. longggg dark hair and tattoos on her shoulder/arm. i have no idea how guys/girls weren't actively falling in love with her. oh well. i love that michelle is comfortable with my desires for other girls haha she never makes me feel weird.
then everyone came back to my apartment. we played a jimi hendrix record and a van halen record. i never knew how much i'd fall in love with that record player. it's one of the most amazing little things in the world. it's from a high school in connecticut and probably was destined for the trash, but we got it and we've found records in antique shops and roadside places in upstate new york. i love our collection. it ranges from Beethoven to Van Halen :] and the one speaker makes enough to noise to light up the whole apartment. and we all danced. and played with the rats. and everyone always ends up in my room and trying to figure out whether they hate my wall. or if matters to them at all. i asked them to contribute to it, but only jeremy found his creative impulse and added to my painting on the other wall. and it actually was a brilliant move, but not what i was planning on adding to.
this morning i woke up feeling guilty. the only person in the world that can understand what i mean is mike. but yeah. i wake up randomly feeling horrible about my life and the things i've done. it's the weirdest thing in the world. i feel guilty and miserable and i usually have a dream to attribute the feelings to. i don't quite understand it.. i think i must have experienced it at some fundamental point in my life and now it's a default feeling. ....why can't i be a normal human? one who feels guilt about 4 times in their entire life. oh well. i'll deal with it...better than cancer lol.
haha in case i forget how funny it was: last night after the show, jeremy was introducing us to all these guys and one guy was kind of distracted and didn't realize what was happening and i just said "so, YEAH..." and jeremy filled in with "STUFF" and i said "things" then someone said "happening" and i, of course, decided to take it to "rape" ----> "cancer", "dementia", "alzheimers", "HIV, also". really funny in the moment and five years from now when i'm rereading this shit..funny again.
today i have so much homework to do and SO little motivation. i may not bother doing it at all. i feel like that;s appropriate.
the expendables - sacrifice <3
at least i got something good out of that "friendship" or whatever dysfunctional shit it was. this is quite possibly one of my favorite bands. i love almost every song they have and i want to see them live and own all their shit and be a follower. i want to be a head and a loser and change my life entirely so that all i do is sit and think. i want to begin at 20 and move from there. because 19 was so lame. it was the lost year. of abuse and fucking aggravation.
so that's why. because people thought it'd be appropriate to describe other people as filled with cracks or flaws. fuck the 1570s. those assholes. maybe they were cracks in the ceiling that allowed light to shed down on the mind. and maybe they were in beautiful designs. crazed. no one could ever reincarnate the same "flaws"..so now it's bad.
then i guess there's dangerously crazy. where there are absolutely no portions of ceiling remaining and the tiles have all fallen down onto the mind and now it's suffocating and coughing for fresh air. but there's no escape.
managed to grow a larger set than my sig oth. he told me yesterday he had done absolutely everything he could to get 22 days here.. but to no avail. so i cried all night and baby bitched about it all morning. and then decided (with a swift kick from a best friend) to call his recruiting officer (mike claimed he was away and not responding). the call went to voicemail and mid-"you have reached..." good ol' sgt. answered. and had not received ANY forms or calls from my betrothed. hmph. either he was lying, mike was lying, or they are both severely retarded. but neither wanted the blame soooooo i'm just going with option c. regardless, i managed to get more work done in the form of mike's leave in one day than he has done in two months. why are men so clueless? i would have argued this morning that he simply didn't give enough of a shit about coming home and i would have (...and did) rant like a lonely housewife about how my man doesn't want to be with me anymore. i so quickly turn to that default. i really need to have some more faith in this guy's love for me. turns out he really did want to be here and completely lacks the ability to make shit happen...at least the way i make it happen.
perhaps this is why i am respected professionally (and academically) and i can sense it. i'm more responsible and rigid and all that than the toughest guys out there. i'm more disciplined than i appear and when there is something to be done, i get it done..effectively and quietly. i wasn't even the one who told mike that i had gotten him more time at home. his recruiter was obviously a little embarrassed or pissed or something and immediately got in touch with him after he and i hung up. i guess i made him feel stupid.
i don't like to be told what to do or how to do something. i like to be given tasks and i love that my boss recognizes that. he puts no boundaries or guidelines up. and although many girls (or boys) would be easily distracted, uncomfortable, lost, etc. without the rules of work ...i thrive in that situation. i follow so many other rules in my day.. i do not need anyone to emphasize structure when it comes to my career. and luckily, no one tries. i've earned their trust. my boss once said before i conducted a workshop "don't worry..you are perfect at everything you do..." i felt like that was really kind, but also revealing of how people actually view what i complete and tackle and whatever. i know i'm sounding super pretentious/arrogant/overly confident. when it comes to my job, to any job, i know i do it better than anyone else in this world can. and i have to be proud of that.